InvitationsInviting in person
In most Indian families an invitation is not complete until it has been given in person. The card, however costly, is only paper. What counts is that someone from the family came to the door, sat down, and asked. With relatives spread across cities this is harder than it was, but the custom is very much alive, and for the people who matter most it is worth the effort.
Who should be invited in person
- The elders of both families: grandparents, the eldest uncles and aunts on each side.
- Relatives with a role in the rituals, such as the maternal uncle, the bua, the married sisters.
- Close family friends, the neighbours on either side, and the family's teachers or mentors.
- The family priest and, by custom in many homes, the first invitation is offered at the family's place of worship before any other.
- Anyone with whom relations have been strained. A visit mends what a message cannot.
Everyone else can be invited by card through the post or courier, or by a phone call and a message.
Who should go
The closer the relation and the more senior the person, the more senior the visitor should be. Parents invite the elders. For a wedding, it is a good custom for the bride or groom to go along to the closest relatives, to take their blessings. Brothers, sisters and cousins can cover friends and the wider circle. Two people visiting together is the usual practice.
What to carry
- The card, in its envelope, with the name written correctly. See how to address an invitation.
- Sweets, dry fruit or fruit, as is the custom in your family and region. In many communities a box of sweets always goes with a wedding card.
- A pen, a few spare envelopes and extra cards, for the cousin you find visiting from another city.
- The guest list, to tick off each household.
What to say
Keep it simple and from the heart. Give the card with both hands, to the eldest person in the house, and say the invitation aloud. Lines you can adapt:
- We have come to invite you. Rohan's wedding is on the fourteenth of February, and it will not feel complete without all of you.
- Please come with the whole family, and come early. You are not guests, you are the hosts.
- आपको सपरिवार आना है। आपके आशीर्वाद के बिना यह शुभ काम अधूरा रहेगा।
- ਤੁਸੀਂ ਸਾਰੇ ਪਰਿਵਾਰ ਨਾਲ ਜ਼ਰੂਰ ਆਉਣਾ ਹੈ। ਤੁਹਾਡੇ ਬਿਨਾਂ ਰੌਣਕ ਨਹੀਂ ਲੱਗਣੀ।
Then tell them the dates of each function, ask whether they need help with travel or a place to stay, and stay for the tea. Refusing the tea is the only real mistake you can make.
Planning the rounds
- Group households by area and plan each outing as a route, so that one evening covers one side of town.
- Phone ahead. Arriving unannounced was once the custom. Today a call the day before makes sure the family is at home and saves a wasted trip.
- Allow time. Each visit takes longer than you think, because nobody lets a wedding card leave without tea. Four or five homes in an evening is realistic.
- Go in order of seniority where relatives live close together, so that the eldest are not the last to be invited.
- Keep the list updated, with the date each card was given.
Relatives in other cities
You cannot visit everyone, and nobody expects it. What they do expect is the personal touch.
- Phone first. A proper call from the parents, not a message, inviting the family by name.
- Then send the card by courier or registered post, well in time, and tell them it is on its way.
- Send the picture card and the details by message as well, so that they have the dates at hand for booking tickets.
- A video call to grandparents and the eldest relatives, with the bride or groom present, comes close to a visit.
- If a family member is travelling to that city, send cards with them to deliver by hand.
The timings for each step are in when to send invitations.
When you cannot find them at home
Leave the card with a family member or a trusted neighbour, and telephone the same evening to invite them in words. A card left without a call can look like a formality. The call makes it an invitation.
Small functions
For a housewarming, a mundan, a puja or a birthday at home, there may be no printed card at all. The same idea holds on a smaller scale: go next door and to the nearest relatives in person, phone the rest, and follow up with a message carrying the date, time and location. Ready wording for each occasion is on the home page.
When someone invites you in person
- Receive the card with both hands and read it there and then. Putting it aside unread is discouraging.
- Offer congratulations, tea and something sweet.
- Say plainly whether you expect to come, and offer help if you are close to the family.
- If you cannot attend, say so warmly at once, and send your good wishes or a gift before the day. Replies for every case are in RSVP wording and replies.